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Counselling for families Having to cope with the abuse of their own child may be the most difficult challenge of a parent‟s life. If the parent(s) can get counselling for themselves through this difficult period, it will also help the child with his/her counselling. 8.1 Experience of parents after a child sexual abuse disclosure When parents first find out about their children being sexually abused, they will experience a wide range of feelings. They may experience denial, anger, betrayal, confusion and disbelief. Parents often tend to blame themselves for not paying attention to their child‟s behaviours or complaints earlier on. They may feel that they have failed as parents and they didn‟t protect their children. For some parents they may wonder why their children didn‟t disclose to them directly but to others. Some parents also become angry at themselves or at their spouses for not supporting the family. In addition to a wide range of emotional experiences, parents may also experience insomnia, change of appetite or other physical complaints. Some parents also feel conflicting emotions, especially if the accused perpetrator is someone they have trusted, a close friend or a family member. There may be feelings of loyalty and love towards the offending person as well as towards the victim. Family members may choose sides with some believing it happened and others refusing to believe it could have. Parents may disagree about how to handle the situation. 44 If the offender is the spouse or partner of the parent, what the relationship is like can strongly influence the parent‟s actions once he/she learns of the abuse. If feelings toward the offending spouse/partner are positive or mixed, decisions about staying together, or to divorce or separate will be more difficult to sort through. Parents may be faced with making decisions about whether to continue the relationship with the offender, how to deal with contact between the offender and the child, and re-establishing trust and communication in the family. The feelings a parent has toward the offender may affect a parents‟ ability to believe in and support the child. When offenders deny or minimize the abuse or blame the child the situation gets very complicated. If a parent doesn‟t believe a child who has been abused and supports the offender, there can be severe damage to the child. The child will feel betrayed by the parent as well as the offender. What every child victim needs is to be believed and to know that he or she is not at fault. When the parent is able to support and stand up for the child, the child has an excellent chance of recovering from the effects of sexual abuse. It is very important to get help and support for their feelings because parents‟ reactions make a big difference in children‟s recovery. Families are children‟s most important resource for recovery. 8.2 Coping after the child’s sexual abuse disclosure: i) The parents should be advised to try not to completely immerse themselves in supporting or worrying about their child. No matter how much they love and care about their family, they also need to consciously set aside time for their own needs. ii) As they are dealing with the police investigation, social workers‟ interview or other professionals regarding their child‟s sexual abuse disclosure, it is especially important for them to take care of themselves physically and emotionally. iii) Their child needs their care and their attention during this time of confusion and overwhelming circumstances. If they are experiencing insomnia or depression, they may need to talk to their doctor about treatment or seek professional counselling. 45 iv) They should be advised to find diversions that will lighten their emotional load and recharge their ability to give support. If they have a spouse, partner or other children, they should spend time with them. They should demonstrate to their child that there is life beyond what has happened. This will also aid the child‟s recovery process and help the child go on with his or her own life. v) They may find that they feel over-protective towards their child and do not want to let them out of their sight. However, it is important not to restrict the child‟s play for their own peace of mind – the child will feel they are punishing him/her by not letting him/her play with friends. Playing is also a kind of therapy. vi) The parents should allow the child, as far as possible, to carry on with his/ her normal activities and encourage the child to participate in any activities available either at school or in the community. This will divert the child‟s attention and help him/ her to understand that things will eventually get better. vii) As they try to deal with the sexual abuse of their child, they may start to piece together many clues and indicators of the child abuse that went unnoticed earlier. This information will help them to understand what their child has gone through and the impact on him or her. viii) However, it may also increase their sense of guilt and they may blame themselves for not acting earlier. It is important for such a parent to be told that no parent/caregiver can be everywhere all the time. Instead of tormenting themselves, they should share with an understanding family member or friend about their feelings and emotions; this will help them to move on. ix) Where the abuser is not a parent, it is crucial for both parents to support each other during this critical and painful time. Blaming each other for not protecting their child will not help solve the problem. Open or secret blaming on one of the parents will further impact their child‟s sense of safety and sense of security. Their child has already been violated and has experienced lack of safety. Therefore, it is critical for both parents to focus on supporting the child as a team. A crisis like this may put a strain on their relationship, especially a relationship that has already been shaky or difficult. x) They naturally want to comfort, heal and protect their child in the aftermath of a traumatic experience, but their own physical and emotional energy isn't limitless. If they try to give too much of themselves throughout the recovery process, they may find themselves resenting or withdrawing just when their child needs they most. No one person -- not even a parent -- can give a child all the support they need, so they should 46 help their child to spend „quality time‟ with other people who care about them and can support in their recovery. xi) Seeking professional counselling is important especially if their child‟s or their behavioural & emotional reactions do not subside. Seeking professional help earlier on can be very helpful. Talk to a counsellor or a therapist for a few sessions to debrief and process their emotions regarding the child‟s sexual abuse incident as well as their confusion. A trained professional will be able to facilitate a healing and closure for them. It is important for them to be able to find strengths to support and reassure their child after these traumatic experiences. 8.3 Protecting the Child from Further Harm Here are some ways to help protect their child from further abuse and minimize the emotional trauma their child may experience: i) Prevent contact between their child and the offender until an investigation has taken place. Explain to their child that he/she should tell them immediately if the offender attempts to touch or bother them again in any way. ii) Do not talk to the offender in front of the child. iii) Continue to believe their child and do not blame him/her for what happened. Give their child support and reassurance that he/she is okay and safe. iv) Respond to concerns or feelings their child expresses about sexual abuse calmly. Listen to their child but do not ask a lot of questions. v) Respect their child‟s privacy by not telling a lot of people, and make sure that other people who know, don‟t bring the subject up to their child. Listen to their child, but don‟t ask for information on personal safety or details about the abuse. Let the professionals do the interviewing to find out the details. A legal case can be negatively affected if the child has been questioned by non-professionals. vi) Try to follow the regular routine around the home; maintain the usual bedtimes, chores and rules. vii) Let the child‟s brothers and sisters know that something has happened to the child and that he or she is safe now and will be protected. Make sure that all children in the family are given enough information on personal safety so to be able to protect themselves from the offender without discussing the details of the incident. viii) Talk about their feelings with someone they trust – a friend, relative, or counsellor. It is best not to discuss their worries in front of, or with, their children. 47 Chapter 6 Social Workers and Support Persons